He was playing pool and drinking beer
Nothing more'n the occasional tear
But this man's life goes on
He gets greased all over from time to time
At the strip joint, where we met
He said: "Hi! My name is Ted
See that one over there, that ball of thunder?
Every time she goes Vavoom, I wiggle in my chair
Eh oh can I buy you a beer?"
Erh what a guy!

"Well I've had a few myself" he said
"But I never quit when I'm ahead
Too many rules and regulations, stupid laws designed by fools behind closed doors
And another thing I won't discuss is religion, it always causes a fight"
Vavoom
"There she goes again"
Huh ah how does she do that, Ted?

Yeah! Aaaah haah!

And he told me of those injustices that he had suffered in his life
His wife and kids and boss and dogs and neighbours raising cain and causing strife
They were forever whining, bleating, howling, yapping, screeching, moaning, crying
Vavoom
He fed them well
Aaaah he keep them warm
Ted - Ted the Mechanic

Thing about Ted, didn't really care
Nothing much got in his hair
The beauty of it was that he was right
He was big as a truck, fast as a door (what's that?)
He was always right
The banjo player took a hike
And what's that song I used to like
Vavoom
Big as a truck
Uh he was fast as a door
Ted - What a guy!
Mmm top man, our Ted
Top man, our Ted
Top man, our Ted

***